Writer's Block: Would you want a do-over?

Given the choice, would you start this day over again? How about this month or this year?

My day literally just started half an hour ago, and my month has been an entire new beginning (yay college?), but I'd start this year over in a heartbeat, and appreciate my last six months back home so much more-- it's hard to believe it's over and I'm gone. :/

Something I wrote because I can't sleep, of all things.

It's emotastic, I know, but it was definitely cathartic for me to write this, so yeah.

I'm so pent up and confused, adrift in this sea of expectations I've failed to meet, of stresses pulling me left, right, and every other direction, of frienships built, laboured over, cried over, laughed over, then thrown over into the dumpster. I'm told I'm brilliant, that I'm talented, that I'll go places in life, that I'm sexy, powerful, famous even-- and yet, mediocrity looms like the sunrise after a wildfire, fat and red from the ashes of dreams and aspirations burned in the fires of life's obligations, weights, and measures. It weighs on me, knowing I have all this going for me, but simultaneously going forward, about to take the plunge into what is so ironically called "the real world" that will beat me into another minion working a shitty nine-to-five desk job that I despise, going home to a husband who is as disillusioned with his life as I am, to kids doomed to our own fate, and to a troubled sleep peppered with the dreams of what could have been, what I *should* have been, only to wake up and repeat it over and over into my own grave. It's not what I want, what I deserve, what I need, yet it's what society desires of me and everyone else, to become so dulled by it all that being a mindless automaton is a blessing of sorts, a means to escape from the knowledge of what could have been.

And I'm scared. Scared that I'll fuck up so utterly and completely that I'll end up homeless, in prison, or worse yet, insane--because insanity's where I'm headed if this goes on, this incessant tug from my potential and life's requirements both, both of them tugging in opposite directions, rending my heart, soul, and mind in two, and subsequently destroying them, destroying me, and leaving me as nothing more than a worn headstone in a dreary graveyard somewhere in this world, forgotten and nothing.

I deserve better, and I'm going to get better than that, even if it kills me.

The Crossroads

“Come and rescue me/In the water deep/Careful now, don’t lose your aim/The road ahead is clear again/I haven’t found it yet…”

I’m at a crossroads.

Probably the hardest, most time-consuming lesson I’ve had to learn from life so far is that I always, without fail, have to learn the hard way. I’m the three-year-old that defies the stern warnings from the parents and the plastic covers just to really see what happens when you stick your fingers in an outlet. I’m the second-grader who disregards the threats of referrals and detention to go play football in the mud after a rainstorm. I’m the sixteen-year-old who, having just got his license, ignores the warnings about the strict conditions on said license, surrenders to his leadfoot, and ends up losing it. Name the childhood lesson, and I learned it—only after getting punished, whether by pain, authority, or the loss of freedoms.

The upside to that so far, if one can call it that, is that I can speak from experience on most of these things. It’s small compensation, but at the very least I took something away from these experiences.

“You drift away so slow/In the ebb and flow/So I landed on my feet/The steadiness is bittersweet/It feels the same when you’re pushed/Out and away into the crush”

However, I was still only a child when these events occurred, which probably saved me from a ton of trouble, whether from medical bills, the loss of a job, or legal troubles. All that’s coming to an end though. I’m about to graduate from high school, and I turn 18 in June. Whether it’s right or not, on that June day, my childhood officially comes to an end, and I’m finally the only one responsible at all for my actions. Problem is, responsibility and my nature with lessons don’t meld well, if at all.

“In all the hidden pleasures you find/In what you’re looking for/I hope that you remember that pride/Comes before a fall/I can barely see up and down and back again”

And therein lies my crossroads: How do I reconcile my inability to learn lessons except through experience with the need to be responsible for my life and actions? Now, I’m not saying that I have an inability to be responsible at all—I wouldn’t be where I am today if that were true. However, the places where I screw up are things that can destroy my entire life once I’m on my own, and for obvious reasons I can’t afford for that to happen to me.

“Despite what you believe/I keep away from trouble/If who I am today’s a sign of where I’m going/I’m ready to embrace”

So, yes, I am scared. And yes, I’m probably going to fuck up somewhere along the line. But one other integral part of who I am is stubbornness and tenacity. It flows in my blood and waters my family tree. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let my life fall apart. I’m gonna fight, I’m gonna kick myself into gear, and hopefully, just hopefully, become more observant and not keep having to learn via karma’s harsh methods.

Because I’m better than that.

“If you want to see the things you’ve trapped set free/You better let go of what’s let them be”
-Powderfinger, “Up and Down and Back Again”
  • Current Music
    The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Where'd You Go?
  • Tags

Things No One Should Ever Be Having Conversations About:

I swear, me and half of my friends are nutbags. Just in the past three days, we've had conversations about:

- The benefits to necrophilia. (It's not rape if they can't say no, right?)
- The Parker Bathroom Cheerleading Squad (I never want to hear the phrase 'drop it like it's hot' ever again.)
- What the Parker Police are doing when they're not busy stalking me everywhere I go, giving me speeding tickets like halloween candy (Y HELLO THAR COP PORN D:<)
- Food sex.
- Sketchmuffin The Rapist.

I swear, we're fucking nuts... But this town's probably gonna implode upon itself when I move away for college-- I was gone for four fucking days in Montana for a college visit (Bozeman is fucking badass btdubs) and when I come back, I find out that the town slut is in prison, and some idiot sophomore brought a gun to school, a friend of mine slipped back into bulimia, and another friend got an MIP and had to get his stomach pumped. Holy hell, if that's what happens after four days of me being gone, imagine what nine months will do.

I'm happy to be getting out though. :)
  • Current Music
    The Expendables - Burning Up

Ah, fuck this.

Great, just great. D:<

I'm almost hoping that this thing is unfixable and Microsoft has to offer like a trade-in program or the like, because this just sucks cock. I've had my Zune for well over a year and a half with no problems to speak of, and hell, I actually recommended one to a couple of friends, and now, it just decides to shit itself.

Today's gonna suck. I gotta close at work tonight (thank God we close at 10PM today instead of 1AM), and I won't have any music while working at this rate too. How fucking wonderful.
  • Current Music
    Frontside Five - Souls For Sale


Yes, that's right, you heard correctly, I, frostycakes, actually MANAGED to fix something (mostly) MYSELF! :D

And even better, it was a car problem too! My clutch master cylinder started leaking fluid about a month ago (apparently Ford has some dumbasses working for them, that thought an entirely plastic CMC was a good idea, made even better when the plastic the seal is made out of corrodes in brake/clutch fluid D:<), and unfortunately it was going to run about $450 to get it replaced at the shop, so yesterday I drove across what seemed like half the state (up to 49th and Havana, holy hell it's sketch up there) and out to East Bumfuck, CO to my friend's place to fix the damn car in his barn. Between the two of us, it took about 5 hours, but hey, we got it done, and the car drives like a dream! Plus, no more nasty-ass fluid in my footwell! :D

Now let's see if I can ever fix anything else around here...
  • Current Music
    Say Anything - Baby Girl, I'm A Blur


So, I'm sitting at home sick right now, while my mom is downstairs watching tv. Nothing really weird, aside from the fact that my mom, usually the stodgy one, is watching Rick and Steve (yeah, that cartoon on Logo about the gay couple that's just a mindfuck and a half). Sweet Jesus is it awkward...

Fuck strep and 9-hour shifts at fast food hell.
  • Current Music
    Chiodos - Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek