Frostycakes

My day literally just started half an hour ago, and my month has been an entire new beginning (yay college?), but I'd start this year over in a heartbeat, and appreciate my last six months back home so much more-- it's hard to believe it's over and I'm gone. :/

It's emotastic, I know, but it was definitely cathartic for me to write this, so yeah.

I'm so pent up and confused, adrift in this sea of expectations I've failed to meet, of stresses pulling me left, right, and every other direction, of frienships built, laboured over, cried over, laughed over, then thrown over into the dumpster. I'm told I'm brilliant, that I'm talented, that I'll go places in life, that I'm sexy, powerful, famous even-- and yet, mediocrity looms like the sunrise after a wildfire, fat and red from the ashes of dreams and aspirations burned in the fires of life's obligations, weights, and measures. It weighs on me, knowing I have all this going for me, but simultaneously going forward, about to take the plunge into what is so ironically called "the real world" that will beat me into another minion working a shitty nine-to-five desk job that I despise, going home to a husband who is as disillusioned with his life as I am, to kids doomed to our own fate, and to a troubled sleep peppered with the dreams of what could have been, what I *should* have been, only to wake up and repeat it over and over into my own grave. It's not what I want, what I deserve, what I need, yet it's what society desires of me and everyone else, to become so dulled by it all that being a mindless automaton is a blessing of sorts, a means to escape from the knowledge of what could have been.

And I'm scared. Scared that I'll fuck up so utterly and completely that I'll end up homeless, in prison, or worse yet, insane--because insanity's where I'm headed if this goes on, this incessant tug from my potential and life's requirements both, both of them tugging in opposite directions, rending my heart, soul, and mind in two, and subsequently destroying them, destroying me, and leaving me as nothing more than a worn headstone in a dreary graveyard somewhere in this world, forgotten and nothing.

I deserve better, and I'm going to get better than that, even if it kills me.

“Come and rescue me/In the water deep/Careful now, don’t lose your aim/The road ahead is clear again/I haven’t found it yet…”

I’m at a crossroads.

Probably the hardest, most time-consuming lesson I’ve had to learn from life so far is that I always, without fail, have to learn the hard way. I’m the three-year-old that defies the stern warnings from the parents and the plastic covers just to really see what happens when you stick your fingers in an outlet. I’m the second-grader who disregards the threats of referrals and detention to go play football in the mud after a rainstorm. I’m the sixteen-year-old who, having just got his license, ignores the warnings about the strict conditions on said license, surrenders to his leadfoot, and ends up losing it. Name the childhood lesson, and I learned it—only after getting punished, whether by pain, authority, or the loss of freedoms.

The upside to that so far, if one can call it that, is that I can speak from experience on most of these things. It’s small compensation, but at the very least I took something away from these experiences.

“You drift away so slow/In the ebb and flow/So I landed on my feet/The steadiness is bittersweet/It feels the same when you’re pushed/Out and away into the crush”

However, I was still only a child when these events occurred, which probably saved me from a ton of trouble, whether from medical bills, the loss of a job, or legal troubles. All that’s coming to an end though. I’m about to graduate from high school, and I turn 18 in June. Whether it’s right or not, on that June day, my childhood officially comes to an end, and I’m finally the only one responsible at all for my actions. Problem is, responsibility and my nature with lessons don’t meld well, if at all.

“In all the hidden pleasures you find/In what you’re looking for/I hope that you remember that pride/Comes before a fall/I can barely see up and down and back again”

And therein lies my crossroads: How do I reconcile my inability to learn lessons except through experience with the need to be responsible for my life and actions? Now, I’m not saying that I have an inability to be responsible at all—I wouldn’t be where I am today if that were true. However, the places where I screw up are things that can destroy my entire life once I’m on my own, and for obvious reasons I can’t afford for that to happen to me.

“Despite what you believe/I keep away from trouble/If who I am today’s a sign of where I’m going/I’m ready to embrace”

So, yes, I am scared. And yes, I’m probably going to fuck up somewhere along the line. But one other integral part of who I am is stubbornness and tenacity. It flows in my blood and waters my family tree. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let my life fall apart. I’m gonna fight, I’m gonna kick myself into gear, and hopefully, just hopefully, become more observant and not keep having to learn via karma’s harsh methods.

Because I’m better than that.

“If you want to see the things you’ve trapped set free/You better let go of what’s let them be”
-Powderfinger, “Up and Down and Back Again”

Ok, so this is the first original song written for our band, Five Guys. It's called All For You, and yes, it does seem very emotastic, but hey, what are first songs for? :P

( All For You )

So, tell me what you think!

I swear, me and half of my friends are nutbags. Just in the past three days, we've had conversations about:

- The benefits to necrophilia. (It's not rape if they can't say no, right?)
- The Parker Bathroom Cheerleading Squad (I never want to hear the phrase 'drop it like it's hot' ever again.)
- What the Parker Police are doing when they're not busy stalking me everywhere I go, giving me speeding tickets like halloween candy (Y HELLO THAR COP PORN D:<)
- Food sex.
- Sketchmuffin The Rapist.

I swear, we're fucking nuts... But this town's probably gonna implode upon itself when I move away for college-- I was gone for four fucking days in Montana for a college visit (Bozeman is fucking badass btdubs) and when I come back, I find out that the town slut is in prison, and some idiot sophomore brought a gun to school, a friend of mine slipped back into bulimia, and another friend got an MIP and had to get his stomach pumped. Holy hell, if that's what happens after four days of me being gone, imagine what nine months will do.

I'm happy to be getting out though. :)

Great, just great. D:<

I'm almost hoping that this thing is unfixable and Microsoft has to offer like a trade-in program or the like, because this just sucks cock. I've had my Zune for well over a year and a half with no problems to speak of, and hell, I actually recommended one to a couple of friends, and now, it just decides to shit itself.

Today's gonna suck. I gotta close at work tonight (thank God we close at 10PM today instead of 1AM), and I won't have any music while working at this rate too. How fucking wonderful.

Yes, that's right, you heard correctly, I, frostycakes, actually MANAGED to fix something (mostly) MYSELF! :D

And even better, it was a car problem too! My clutch master cylinder started leaking fluid about a month ago (apparently Ford has some dumbasses working for them, that thought an entirely plastic CMC was a good idea, made even better when the plastic the seal is made out of corrodes in brake/clutch fluid D:<), and unfortunately it was going to run about $450 to get it replaced at the shop, so yesterday I drove across what seemed like half the state (up to 49th and Havana, holy hell it's sketch up there) and out to East Bumfuck, CO to my friend's place to fix the damn car in his barn. Between the two of us, it took about 5 hours, but hey, we got it done, and the car drives like a dream! Plus, no more nasty-ass fluid in my footwell! :D

Now let's see if I can ever fix anything else around here...

So, I'm sitting at home sick right now, while my mom is downstairs watching tv. Nothing really weird, aside from the fact that my mom, usually the stodgy one, is watching Rick and Steve (yeah, that cartoon on Logo about the gay couple that's just a mindfuck and a half). Sweet Jesus is it awkward...

Fuck strep and 9-hour shifts at fast food hell.

voice post for TQC, ignore, plzkthx. XD

VoicePost 79K 0:24

“TQC voice post, no big deal tbh” Transcribed by: frostycakes

Woo joy, more drama in my life! So yesterday afternoon, I get a pass to the office during 6th period. I'm somewhat sketched out, but not too bad, because I hadn't done anything that was worthy of getting called to the office. So, I'm sitting there, and the bitch dean (the one who I had to fight for three months to get my parking pass back, when it was only supposed to be revoked for two weeks) calls me in.

Long story short, they've suspected me of going to, of all things, porn sites at school! Never mind the fact that their blocker blocks damn near everything, including a lot of things that aren't pornographic at all (Getty Images, for example), the site in question (365gay.com) is a NEWS site, of all things! (I had written a paper on gay rights for an English project, and used a couple of stories from that site as references.) I even told her of that fact, and told her to see it for herself, but all she pulled was, "Don't even try that one." So now, I'm facing loss of all computer privileges for the rest of this year and next, and she claimed that she was debating whether or not to press deliquency of a minor charges, even though 1) IT WASN'T PORN and 2) how can I delinquencise (yes I made that up just now) myself? Not like it'd stand up in court, it just pisses me off.

And in the second installment of this saga, my best friend was in the hospital last week for an operation, and I spent Tuesday evening over there. I asked her dad if I could use his laptop for working on my project while over there (I even told him that it was the gay rights paper, in case his company would flip a bitch seeing a file having to do with that on the computer), and he was cool with it. Again, now he's in hot water with his work because of that exact same site, as well as the paper itself, being on the computer. I dunno where that comes in, because I assumed he knew his work policy on personal use when he let me use it (and it's annoying because it can't be a personal use issue, since his daughters go on Facebook/Myspace on that thing all the time and I don't think he's ever been in trouble for that), and if they're (again) thinking it's pornographic, one check of the actual site and the paper in question and they'll see it's just an innocuous English paper of all things! I dunno if he's pissed at me, but either way, that's just fucktarded that all this drama has been started over something as simple as a fucking paper.

So apparently t-mobile finally got some social connections app that allows me to post to this thing from my cellphone... I guess it's alright, gives me less of an excuse to not update it at least... I'm dreading going to work tonight, it's all of 19 degrees outside and the roads are relatively fine, so it'll be panera hell tonight. Fuck that hellhole, that's all i can say. :-P

Damn, I really, really, really need to stop neglecting this fucker, no? Anyways, Happy New Years to all you guys and all that bullshit, hope (although I doubt it) that this year'll be better than the last for you peeps.

This break flew by way too fast though; I have to go back to school on Thursday (thank you soo much, douchebag in charge of Douglas County Schools' scheduling!), which is far too soon--shit, feels like Christmas hasn't even come yet, much less the new damn year! Ah well, I guess I can live, I've survived eleven years of shitty breaks from school, I can stick it out for a few more.

Since my last post, I've flitted in and out of what may be the most awkward relationship ever-- I discovered this place called Rainbow Alley that's run by the Denver GLBT Centre downtown (thanks to Colin; according to him, my "incessant bitching about your lack of ass is driving me up a fucking wall and down again", so yeah, thanks to him, I found this place)-- it's surprisingly decent, only problem is that EVERYONE there seems to be a fucking druggie. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my pot every now and again, I drink far more than is probably healthy, and I smoke like a fucking chimney, but that's my extent-- I swear half of them need some help or something. It's also hella awkward that I'm like this rich-ass suburban kid whenever I go down there, what with my car and cellphone and money and whatnot, I feel so fucking uppity it's almost hilarious. Anyways, I fell for this one guy that everyone calls Cheese (I can't even remember his actual name, how fucking pathetic, no?), but surprise surprise, he's apparently not that interested in me. This other guy, however, just happened to be. He asked me out after knowing me for all of two weeks, and me, being desperate as shit, just had to say yes, even though I wasn't that interested in him. He turned out to be a clingy shit (which was creepy; he's 19 and I'm 16, shouldn't I be the clingy one?)-- in the space of one day, even though I had told him in advance that I had school and work, he called me 23 fucking times! Clinginess is one thing that I fucking hate in guys, so that, in addition to my lack of desire for him (he was pretty hot though), forced me to find an excuse to break up with him, which I did eight days later. Too bad he's still fucking calling me like a bitch (including my fucking house of all things, that was fun, having to explain why I had fifteen nasty voicemails left on the home phone), but at least that's over-- maybe I can charm Cheese or something, who knows? :P

Back to Christmas-- it was decent, I got an awesome haul, with a fuckton of gift cards, some music, a couple of movies, a book (the His Dark Materials trilogy, which I've been enjoying immensely), and to top it all off, an Xbox 360 and four games (Halo 3, Oblivion, Ridge Racer 6, and Perfect Dark Zero), which I have been loving to death. I bought Skate right after I got it though, and that game has been sucking all my time away lately-- it's fucking amazing. (Oh yeah, my Gamertag's ShibbyFrosty for those of you that want to add me or whatevs.)

I also indulged in my phone obsession, I bought myself an old, unlocked/unbranded Nokia 6620, and I've been loving it-- for being a phone from 2004, it does a shitton-- it's got an mp3 player, a decent camera, and hell, it's an S60 smartphone, so I get to play around and indulge my phone nerdery. :D

Well, I'm gonna go suck down some more cancer, grab some food, then get my ass to bed (I slept on one hella uncomfortable couch at my friend's place last night, and our lovely friend the hangover doesn't help any), so yeah! *waves*

So, today was the first snow of the season. It wasn't too bad (we got like two inches here, and it's mostly melted by now), but when I had to go in this morning, it was still sticking to the roads. I'm driving slow as hell through a turn (somewhere around 10 MPH, my speedometer only goes that low), when suddenly I hit this patch of slush and hydroplane straight into the curb. Stupid thing bent either the A joint (hopefully; this thing is way cheaper to replace) or the entire front axle, and now my car's in the shop, and I have to get new tires as well (the people who had my car before me had racing tires on it, which suck major balls in the snow)-- so if I'm lucky and it's just the A joint, I'm out about $700; if the axle's bent, then I'm out around $2300. Either damn way, I'm fucked, and I'll probably never see another cent out of my paychecks for the next few months, considering I owe my parents $120 for the one tire that I blew back in July, the $130 for my court fees (the damn tickets), plus $150 for the court-ordered driving school-- I swear to God, my car is like the black hole of my wallet!

I honestly wish it was possible to do the things I do without having to own a car, my life would be that much easier.

So I start at Panera tomorrow. I have no fucking clue, to be honest, why I'm all nervous and whatnot. I've survived three months at Noodles & Douchebags, and I like to think that I made it out just fine (the paychecks, when they actually gave me hours, were nice at least), and Panera's nice in the fact that I know like five or six people that work there, but still-- I'm nervous to the nines, and I have no idea why. Oh well, fuck it, who cares? It's not like I even do, and if I don't, why would any of you? :P

Other than that, life's boring as shit-- although there's one upside: There are literally a shitload of cute guys who moved here recently. Too bad Parker's like Straight Capital of Colorado, otherwise I'd have someone right now.

I'm off though, gonna go have another cigarette. :P

... or maybe a week or two, really, at this rate. ;)

I wonder why I keep these blogs and whatnot-- I keep saying to myself, 'Oh, I'll update regularly, yadda yadda yadda', and yet I always end up back here, rarely (if ever) updating.

I might just turn into a lurker on here, just like I did a lot of places... but yeah, I am (somewhat) back, in the Frosty fashion, of course. ;)

So while I was bored and sitting around at work today, I decided to, of all things, draw! I know I lack any talent with a pencil whatsoever, but this shitty self-portrait is what an hour of boredom produced:



I know for any normal person that's shit drawing, but holy hell, it's the first halfway decent drawing I've done in one long-ass time! :P

Damn, I'm so neglectful of LJ anymore. Oh well, still love ya guys, and I do need to get my ass commenting again, right? :P

Started last night-- I work at Noodles & Co. now. It's cool (I'm the dish bitch, otherwise known as the dishwasher)-- crazy busy and whatnot, but it's still fun, and I'm getting paid $7.25/hour to do it! :P

Sucks that I don't get my first check until the 25th though, but at least it'll be a full one! :D

Now if the goddamn customers would learn to not get food ALL OVER THE FUCKING TABLE THAT I HAVE TO SCRUB DOWN and to not put goddamn USED BABY WIPES in their food bowls (seriously, that happened to me yesterday, it was fucking nasty), my life there would be perfect. :P